Disintegration
by petiteneko
Summary: I knew then that I would never be too old for his embraces, I would never grow out of him. He was my everything." Warnings inside.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters.

Warning: Angst. A lot of it. And some ItaSasu-ish

* * *

My brother, my Aniki – Itachi. He was all that mattered to me, he was everything I wanted to be. My idolization seemed a little extreme, it seemed too far to be considered brotherly affection. However, it didn't seem like that to me ever. That was, until I saw how other families interacted. There was more rivalry than the affection I had. Then, I began to hide myself a little more but I could not bring myself to separate us. He meant too much, he was too close, and I didn't want to. I wanted his embraces, his comforting hands after a nightmare. And it seemed he didn't want to either.

Even as we grew older, some of our practices had diminished (such as bath time) but I understood. We were too old for this, and it would appear odd if we continued. Even if I still wanted to, I understood, and I hoped that my Nii-san would make up for it. He did. He would take me out to places, help me with my homework in the seclusion of either of our rooms. Our connection seemed to grow with every day, our bonds tightening. Sometimes our parents asked if I was okay with this in subtle ways, but I always answered that I liked my Aniki's help, I liked to spend time with him, and I preferred his presence. I think the latter was what may have concerned my parents the most, but it was still understandable – we were still brothers after all.

Sometimes we fought, and sometimes we feigned fights. I hated those times because I couldn't spend time with him, I couldn't look into his eyes and see the emotions he only showed me. But those times were essential as well. By the time I had reached my tenth year, I noticed that his embraces happened less, even when we were alone. However, when I asked him about it, he just told me he thought I believed I was too old for them. I had to shake my head at that, because I knew then that I would never be too old for his embraces, I would never grow out of him. He was my everything.

But one day, my entire world shook.

It was when he brought a girlfriend home. I was furious, enraged. I couldn't believe he had betrayed me like this! I thought we had something special! I avoided him like the plague, shunned his approaches and attempts to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to him! One day, he managed to corner me in my room, and forced the reasons behind my self-seclusion out of me. I told him that I don't like that you brought a girl home, I told him that I don't like her, I told him that she doesn't deserve you.

He responded with a smile. A smile and a shake of understanding. He said that our parents were becoming questionable of his sexuality and so he brought a girl home to alleviate their concerns. He also told me that she doesn't mean anything. My response was a smile, a sorry, a concept of understanding, and a tease that involved telling him it wasn't very nice to fool the girl like that. As he nodded and began to leave the room, I let three little words escape my mouth.

I love you.

With the smile and reciprocated words, I thought he understood.

In two years, I was proved wrong.

In two years, he brought home his fiancée – a different girl, but a girl nonetheless. She was very pretty, cheerful, bubbly, and straight. _Everything I was not_. This time, I was far more than enraged. I was furious – beyond. The unexplainable emotion bubbled beneath my skin, it tore my heart in two. It wrenched my soul apart and invaded my dreams. This time, I would never be home, I would never unlock my doors. I ignored everybody around me, pushed them away.

And then, my parents went for dinner with only Itachi's fiancée.

They left me with Itachi – the one who shattered my entire being, my everything. This time, he wouldn't leave me alone. He actually stole my parent's spare key to my room and invaded my privacy. He forced me against the wall and demanded what was wrong with me.

I couldn't respond. How could he not tell! The angry tears betrayed me and escaped my eyes. Let me go I screamed, Leave me alone! But he wouldn't. He just held me there as the fury slowly left me, leaving me in a puddle of sorrow. How… I had muttered, Why... He never responded, but let the grief overtake me. He let the words seep out, one by one until I finally told him: What about _us_?

Then, I think he _finally_ understood. His words were shattering.

I don't ever recall there being an us Sasuke.

What about everything! I protested, It isn't normal! It was _different_ Itachi! We never were the same as normal brothers!

His next words were just as destructive.

My apologies if I gave you any misconceptions.

But I told you I loved you! The tears were streaming down my face and I didn't know if they were from anger, from sadness or from both. I wanted to tear my hair out, punch something, curl into a ball and never emerge from it. I didn't know what I wanted to do! I felt so stupid! So stupid from presuming everything! So stupid from reacting this way! So idiotic for actually believing that he loved me, that he _cared. __**Understood.**_

I didn't know it meant that much to you.

That was it, I snapped. Get out! Get out! I screamed.

And he did.


End file.
